Friday, October 7, 2011

The Aspergers Spectrum Through The Ages




As things advance, we realize that ever more people who we otherwise did not expect as being so, are actually idiot savants. This becomes clear upon a cursory historical investigation.

Cave Men

It could be said that Aspergers syndrome was an ordinary part of being a cave man. As everyone knows, cave men lacked empathy and were highly intolerant to most everything. Not only were these spear wielding barbarians emotional imbeciles: they had an obsession for shadow puppetry which went far beyond anything any sane person would consider normal.

The Greeks

The Greeks were obsessed with reasoning and logic. Take some of their more annoying philosophers: Socrates for example, who by every indication was your classic Aspergers sufferer. Socrates annoyed the shit out of anyone within range with his iron clad logical systems. Then, when some jerks told him to eat hemlock and die, Socrates took them seriously. Other Greeks who probably had a syndrome include Demosthenes who pestered everyone with his rants up in the big white building. See Tourettes Syndrome.

Monks

After the collapse of classical civilization, a new breed of obsessive compulsives emerged in the form of Monks, masking their own compulsive terror for grooming and dinner conversation behind a thin veneer of religiosity.

Dustin Pedroia

This sorry freak takes being a scrappy second baseman to a whole other level in what must be some kind of sick Aspergers redirection of the blinding chaos of fundamental human emotion into the only damn thing that makes any sense for Dustin Pedroia.

Spaniards

Me thinks the lady doth protest a bit too much?

Subway Mariachi Bands

Blissfully unaware of how annoying they are to non Asperger's sufferers, Mariachi Bands continue to get on and off the New York subway all day long, working for about enough money to buy a sandwich. What uncontrollable urges drive these Mexico obsessed savants?

Richard Dawkins

Explaining away all religious, poetic impulse using a flying Spaghetti Monster, Richard Dawkins appeals to other Aspergers sufferers though his own atrophied sense of humor and air tight, tautological nerd reasoning.

The Food and Drug Administration

Here we see a good example of organizational Aspergers syndrome. Can't eat this cheese because it looks old and moldy in comparison to the square slice of dissected and genetically reconstituted yellow matter (smooth, yellow) wrapped in a piece of plastic? School lunch programs masking a childlike obsession, a need -- a need to see others consume tater tots in as much as the tot must be ubiquitous and daily, an hourly incantation at the alter of an artfully masked tick? As if food in its diversity of colors, textures, flavors and effects overwhelmes: the pyramid itself less catalogues and more monumentalizes a transcendent urge to order total internal chaos with platonically calming geometries. Little is yet known about how departments, branches, governments and other organizational dork cones come into being rooted upon a steady supply of vexacious, monomaniacal intellects worshipping at the alter of macrocosmic governmental systems in service of unmentionable totalitarian desires.

George Lucas

George Lucas represents the mainstreaming of the symptomatic Vulcan-type personality originally devised by the hep cats who invented Star Trek and Buck Rogers in the 25th century. Little did those mustashiod, emotionally complex swingers suspect that the entire genre would one day be commandeered by the emotionless robots, androids and science officers originally scripted for comic relief purposes. See Scott Bakula.

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